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"I don't know how you do it! Being a stay-at-home mom is the toughest job in the whole world!"
These words, sometimes said with the best of intentions, have been said to me SO many times. Usually, they come from women that have never had children or stayed at home. I used to think it was patronizing but now I know it's often an attempt to relate.
I recently read an article that talked about the hot buttons for mothers. "8 Things You Should Never Say to a Mom," by Charlene Prince Birkeland, reminded me of my early days of motherhood. These were the days when I was absolutely convinced that I was the only mother out there that didn't have it all together. I felt like Cinderella... just without the mice and birds.
Birkeland's first hot button is, "You look so dressed up!" Wait, what??? Don't tell a mom she looks nice? She goes onto explain that this might make the mother wonder if she is normally viewed as a slob. Hold it... I don't know about you fellow SAHM (Stay at home moms)but I usually do have something spilled down the front of my shirt. My hair is often pulled back in a ponytail and there are at least a dozen grey hairs poking out here and there (Birkeland's 6th point: never ask why a woman went grey). Hopefully I've managed to slap some concealer onto the bags under my eyes. They're a result of late hours of volunteer work or from worrying whether or not I put the right time on my daughter's birthday invitations. Some days, I look tired... because I am! (Birkeland's second point).
Early on in my career as a mother, I wouldn't dream of leaving the house unless I had on decent clothes and makeup. I wouldn't even cross the street to get the mail to be quite honest. As time went on, I realized that it didn't really matter to anyone but me. If other mothers had a problem with the way I was dressed, how my hair was done or if my lack of makeup caused me to be mistaken for the yeti, big deal! Some might say this is letting yourself go. I say, it's about priorities and being realistic. I'm not about to step on stage for the Miss America contest and I'm fairly certain ABC's talent scout isn't waiting outside my door. I can dress up, do my makeup and hair or whatever else I decide, when I want to.
When I first started staying at home, I was consistently asked by friends and family when I would return to work. I've never really had any intention to do so because my kids need me and I'm lucky enough to have the option not to work. I used to be defensive but that's because I had no idea how busy my days would be as a SAHM. Now I hear, "Wow, you do a lot of volunteer work. You should do that professionally and get paid." Thanks. That's a compliment. I get paid by the people that benefit from my volunteer work. I've had the honor of raising money for a fantastic school, a charity that saves lives.. literally by bringing teens to Christ, and other charities that help sick children. That's a better paycheck than I ever brought home. If the right opportunity comes my way, I'll know and it likely won't be about money then either.
Birkeland continues to explain that asking another mother for a play-date might indicate that you want free babysitting or you expect her to host. If someone wants a play-date with my son or daughter, that's awesome! It's wonderful for my kids to have friends. It's even better if those friends come with a mom that wants to hang out for an hour or two. If my house is a disaster, we'll go to the park or McDonalds. I'll even admit that a tornado named Nicholas and Natalie hit late last night and there is no way I'm going to open my door... even if it was possible. My dear friend recently became a mother and nearly died of embarrassment when a neighbor stopped by unannounced.
"I was in my pajamas, my hair was a wreck and the house was a total mess. I was so embarrassed!"
I told her not to give it another thought. It was his fault for dropping unannounced and if he had a problem with the house, he could offer to clean it. In fact, if I ever comment on her house being a wreck, I've given her permission to remind me of the words I just wrote.
I must say I do agree with Birkeland about some of her points. I don't ask when a woman is due unless I see the baby crowning or she has just told me about how great, or awful, it is being pregnant. I cringe when I see a new mom, carrying her baby in the infant car seat and someone says, "Oh wow, when is your baby due." DUH! Seriously?! Even worse was the guy in this situation who said, "Dewwwdd... your babies are going to be like twins. A newborn and another bun in the oven." I didn't know whether to slap him, get him professional help or go hug the mother that was on the verge of tears. I ran the other way. Quickly.
Finally, the "It's okay, he'll grow out of it" comment that can send me over the edge quite quickly. When my son was diagnosed with speech apraxia, it meant lots of hard work for him and for me. Hours of speech therapy, special classes for socialization, books to be read, meetings to attend and a constant fear that the boy might not ever speak a normal sentence. Now we fear he might not ever stop talking. God has a sense of humor and answered our prayers for Nick to speak.... every single prayer! Thank you God!!! I'd hear from so many people, "Oh Lisa, you just need to give it time. Kids need to be kids and he will grow out of it."
REALLY?!!!
A top Pediatric Neurologist as well as several other medical professionals don't seem to think so but let me take your expert opinion. Can you say that again slowly so I can take notes? I wish you had written a book because that's just wonderful advice. A mother and father know their children better than anyone else. If your gut instinct tells you something is wrong, get it checked out. If you don't trust what one doctor has to say, ask another. You'll live with the doubt until you do and the fear can be paralyzing. It is reassuring however to hear that eating nothing but Cheerios, dropping things on the floor to see if you'll pick them up and an irrational fear of closets is just a phase. Please continue to tell me that. I'd also like to hear that forgetting to lift the toilet seat when you're a boy is just a phase... it is, right?
I supposed I should wrap up this rant with a point. Stop worrying about whether or not you're doing it right. Stop worrying if you really are cut out to have the title of MOM. When you see your children walk across the stage to receive their diplomas, you won't be crying because the house isn't clean or the bake sale didn't yield a high enough profit. It won't be about the promotion you didn't receive at work or the crayon on the wall. It will be because your baby has grown up and you are proud. You will wish for more breakfasts at home, homework to complete and soccer games to attend.
I write this article because a friend of mine, and someone I greatly admire, confessed that she is insecure as a new mom. I was blown away to hear her admission. This woman is young, beautiful, confident, successful, has incredible discernment and a true heart for God. She has nothing to be insecure about. I read Birkeland's article and suddenly, I remembered the insecurity my friend is feeling right now. To her I say, "You were made for this."
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