Say what? Conversations to have before becoming a stay-at-home Mom

At the age of 9, I decided I wanted to be an attorney specializing in mergers and acquisitions... seriously. I was going to live in an enormous street of dreams house, have the perfect marriage, great kids, have a nanny and run an amazingly successful law firm out of my home. Somehow, I thought I'd also be President of the PTA, run every school fundraiser and have blue birds fly around land on my finger on command. Reality? I've got a wonderful marriage, great kids, a nice house, no job and I do my best with school fundraisers. It's like Cinderella without the mice and blue birds. Reality? I'm so glad that I didn't go down the attorney/career path and that I'm lucky enough to stay at home with my kids but it has it's ups and downs too.

I was at a party a couple years ago when I ran into a woman I used to work with. Single and very successful, this woman talked to me as if I was an invalid. Towering over me at nearly 5' 9 she looked down on me in every sense of the word and said,

"I just don't know how you do it."

Do what? Cook, clean, get the kids dressed and out the school every day, do the laundry, pay the bills, homework... that? I looked at her and thought,

"lady you have no idea. That's the easy part."

Another time, when expressing frustration about my day, a working mother reminded me that I chose to stay at home... gee thanks. That's exactly what I needed to hear.

"You chose to work,"

I felt like saying. So exactly what is the hard part about staying at home? Until you do it, you might be surprised at the answer.

If you're lucky enough to love what you do, it might be an incredibly difficult decision to leave your career to raise your family. If, like me, you hate your job a pregnancy might be your saving grace. Of course the first thing that comes to your mind are the income that you'll lose. You might have a company car or great benefits that will disappear if you leave. You might love the people you work with, or seriously dislike them but have a blast talking about them with your friends... did I just say that? Here are some important questions to ask yourself when making the decision to be a stay-at-home mom.

1. Can we survive on one salary? What is my true income?

• What would childcare cost?
• Are you and your spouse in a higher tax bracket because of your combined income?
• What conveniences do you pay before because your working? These might be house cleaning, dry cleaning, eating at restaurants, higher cell phone plans, etc.
  
• How much are you spending on clothing needed for your job? What about dry cleaning?
• What are your commuting costs? Would your insurance go down if you weren't commuting? What about gas and maintenance on your vehicle?

2. What will be expected of you if you stay home?

This might seem obvious at first. You might think it's to take care of your home and kids. What does that mean exactly? Will you suddenly be responsible for ALL housework? Let me tell you that having this burden with a newborn will make you feel like a loser fast. Your energy with a new baby will be nill at best. Your house will likely suffer. Talk to your spouse about household duties and decide beforehand who will do what. Talk about expectations. Will your spouse have checklists for you? Will you feel angry and resentful towards your spouse if he/she expresses disappointment for your "chores" not being completed?

3. How will you receive recognition and validation?

"The love of my children is all I need."

I've heard this before. I've said this before. If you're used to getting bonuses, awards, closing deals, getting high marks on a performance review, get ready to reset your expectations. Remember that clean house I was talking about? A clean house rarely goes hand in hand with a happy child. It's a delicate balance that can often leave you feeling like you can't win. Instead of achieving quotas, increasing performance or being rewarded for great customer service, you'll be faced with a never ending laundry basket, bill after bill to be paid, on half the income you're used to, and dishes to be done. While faced this before, finishing these tasks will become your accomplishments for the day. On the other hand, seeing your baby's first steps, getting slobbery kisses, watching them sleep and playing ferry princess in a blanket fort will make this well worth it!

4. What will be your intellectual outlet?

Since becoming a mom, I can tell you all of the Disney Princesses, I know more about Legos and Star Wars than I ever thought I would and I'm a pro about car seats and what makes Toyota the best minivan on the market. If you asked me to run a regression analysis or balance a company's payroll, although incredibly excited at the challenge, I'd likely end up sitting in the corner drooling. I've often sat for 20 minutes watching Handy Manny looking for the deeper message and then looked around to realize I was the only one in the room. Reading, hobbies and close friendships are a perfect way to keep your head going and maintain good emotional health but you must make time for them.

5. Who will pay the bills?
Will your spouse's money truly be your money? Will you be responsible for paying the bills? Will your spouse feel resentful if you're not making money but telling him/her how to spend the family income? Have a careful discussion about the budget and financial responsibilities of the household.

6. How will you make time for yourself?

Be sure to set aside some money for babysitters. It can be so difficult to find someone reliable and trustworthy to watch your kids. Ask other moms, teachers or respected kids in the neighborhood. Make it a priority to get out with your friends at least twice a month. Don't forget your spouse! Make date night a priority! Keep in mind that things like going to the doctor or getting a haircut are a little more complicated now. It can be difficult to find a sitter in the middle of the day that doesn't cost a fortune. Who is your support network?

7. How will you structure your days?

If you're a list maker, having a list of things you'd like to accomplish or do for fun will structure your day. It's so easy to spend half the day "getting ready" only to find it's 3pm and you have more things to do than hours in the day. This is especially true when your children start going to school. Consider having a set routine after dropping the kids off at school. It might be heading to the gym or over to Starbucks to clear your head. Do something that will get you out of the house so you're dressed and ready for the day. I have yet to go to the gym or the coffee shop in my sweatpants and uggs... hopefully I never will!

8. How will your reference group change?

One of the biggest changes stay-at-home moms face is a change in their social circle. I have a friend that dearly loves my children but her eyes start to glaze over when I tell her about the fine details of my kids. Other moms in my life are all to happy to discuss these things. Learn which friend is best to vent to, to discuss your kids with, to call when you need a good cry, a good laugh or someone to offer advice. Don't expect one friend to offer all of these things or you'll surely be disappointed. As you search for other stay-at- home parents avoid the spouse bashing trap. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten together for a play-date only to have the other mom talk trash about her husband the entire time we're together. While we all have frustrations with our spouses and we need a friend to vent to, this is a really negative trap to get into. Without even knowing it, hanging out with a negative person can turn your thoughts and emotions negative as well. Look for positive, energetic but real people to surround yourself with. The phrase "misery loves company" is so true. While everyone has a bad day from time to time, avoid negative people. Lillian Glass wrote an excellent book about toxic relationships called, "Toxic People." If you find yourself in one of these relationships, I highly recommend this book.

For some parents, having a dedicated stay-at-home parent is the answer. For others, it works best to have two working parents and for single parents the decision is made for you. I feel very fortunate that I can stay home with my kids. If you're working and wish you were at home, remember that the grass isn't always necessarily greener on the other side. Be grateful that you have an intellectual outlet, some time away and recognition and achievements outside the home. While a lot of what I've had to say puts a negative spin on staying at home, it has been incredibly rewarding for me. My son was diagnosed with a speech disorder that required Extensive speech and Occupational therapies. There is absolutely no way we could have gotten him to all of his therapies and made the progress that we have as a family if I hadn't been able to stay at home. God has made it clear that my place is at home for right now. When making your decision, remember every scenario has good and bad points. I hope I've helped you consider some things about staying at home that you may not have considered before. Now, go hug those kiddos of yours!